XIII Oceans

1983 threw up little in terms of choice for great number one singles and 1984 similarly struggled against the onslaught of peckersucking pop.  Nuclear tension was invading our lives and the charts with no less than three anti-war songs reaching the top.  One of my favourite cultural commentators, Paul Morley, along with Trevor Horn would have an everlasting effect on the year, dominating the charts with Frankie Goes To Hollywood.  By the end of 1984 the band had sat at the top of the charts for fifteen weeks with three number one singles and became the first band to hold the top two positions since the early 60s.

My number five choice  followed The Flying Pickets to number one at the beginning of the year.  It wasn’t until March that the real dross damaged our critical credibility and it would be Frankie Goes To Hollywood battling on our behalf in the singles charts whilst The Smiths came to prominence by topping the album chart.  The difference between good and bad music got wider yet you could still play through some good records that broke into the top five.  Who can forget Ray Parker Jnr?  The Toy Dolls?   Joe Fagin?  Madonna?

5. Pipes Of Peace – Paul McCartney

My only contentious choice this time.   It’s the first of those anti-war number ones with an overly-manipulative but enjoyable video.   This is also McCartney’s only solo number one.  Nothing much more that I want to say about this.  It is what it is and it’s better than Chaka Khan’s ‘I Feel For You’.

4. The Power Of Love – Frankie Goes To Hollywood

In equalling Gerry And The Pacemakers’ (who said the 60s were a musical peak?) record of scoring number ones with each of their first three hits, Frankie Goes To Hollywood cemented their rightful place in the UK music scene’s hall of fame.  After the pounding power of their first two hits it was a complete change of pace and something conventional.  When I heard and loved this the first time around it was the beauty of Holly Johnson’s feeling voice and Trevor Horn’s overblown production coming together that caught us all.  Marrying the singer with the production so well isn’t unique which is where the ridiculousness of the lyrics complicates.  A pisstake of schoolboy poetry is unnoticeable because the sound alone generates the feelings for you.  Brilliant stuff.

3. Relax – Frankie Goes To Hollywood

A true cultural milestone that spent an extraordinary 48 consecutive weeks in the UK charts.  48 weeks and that was in the days when you had to shell a shed load to get into the top 40.  It’s sales of 1,910,000 would make it the second highest of the 80s, after Band Aid, and the sixth highest of all-time in the UK.  Having reached number six the song wasn’t heading for the top until Mike Read (the one who took air time from Sarah Greene on Saturday Superstore) removed the song off the turntable live on air once he’d realised how salacious and filthy gorgeous ‘Relax’ was.  Two days later the BBC banned it (probably after pressure from the anti-Brand/Ross brigade) and the record moved up a couple of weeks later.  For a song as explicit as this to be as successful was unthinkable given how sexually frustrated the country was.  It was another classic generation conflict moment.  Protector of public ethics Mike Read ended up interviewing the band and slid a big scaly one down this throat when he failed to throw their disgusting minds off his show.

2.  99 Red Balloons- Nena

Early memories of sexual attraction here with Nena’s skin tight leather pants anchoring themselves in my brain.  I’ve still never really recoverd.  ‘99 Red Balloons’ was the second anti-war number one of the year, suggesting armageddon if 99 balloons floated over the Iron Curtain.  I’m told the English language version has a more satircal tone.  A true one-hit wonder it is very much a song of its time yet its also timeless and could, like FGTH, top the charts now.   Whatever happened to German music after this?  From great punky pop to haw-hee-haw-hee-haw-down-to-Gorky-Park.  Shocking.

1. Two Tribes – Frankie Goes To Hollywood

One of the greatest pop songs matched with one of the greatest music videos.  A perfect match from one of the most explosive acts since The Sex Pistols.  This topped the charts for an incredible nine weeks.  Unlike other number ones in the 80s this could have sat there for the whole year and I wouldn’t have complained.   Paul Morley’s promotion of the band went into overdrive with the launch of the “Frankie Says…” t-shirts, a complete anthesis of Wham!’s vacuous merchandising.  To see kids going around wearing t-shirts about such sexually provocative songs as ‘Relax’ is hilarious enough as an idea nevermind reality.  I could probably write a whole page on this song.  Visually this was a rich piece of work with former 10cc members, Godley & Creme, directing the famous video whilst Chris Barrie (Rimmer from Red Dwarf) provided the voice of Reagan.  The opening moments of the song, from the government nuclear warning through to Holly’s “Oh-oh-oh.  Oh-oh-oh.  Let’s go!” are amongst the best you will ever hear.  When songs get attached to sporting montages or reports they can remain in your brain forever.  Channel 4’s American Football coverage used a vocal-less version of the song to great effect during its round-up of the week’s scores and it’s something that’s stuck in the memories of those who did follow the NFL.  Originally ‘Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)‘, a similarly great vocal-less backing, provided the music and I didn’t think they could top that but this did.  Matching the physical presence of the NFL it remains an iconic tune for that sport and I can only think of the BBC’s using of ‘The Way It Is‘ and ‘Life Of Riley‘ for football that are as equally memorable.   ‘Two Tribes’ (terrific little home-produced video here that would have benefitted from better editing) employs production that is as big as the blasts it seeks to frighten us about.  Clashing symbals, booming, speeding bass lines, war-film-style scoring and the best in modern technology creating a true epic of a song.  “Are we’re living in a land where sex and horror are the new gods?  Yeah.”  Unquestionably magnificent.

WORST NO.1 OF 1984: Had ‘Agadoo‘ reached number one it still wouldn’t be a major contender this year.  No sir, there were some harrowing compositions that were huge sterioid freaks in comparison.  Quite possibly we were served a collection of the worst love ballads that any time period has mustered.  It comes to something when Wham! are pushed out of the way by something worse.  ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’ gave them their first number one and spliced open the crack in mainstream pop that had first surfaced with the likes of Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran.  Stevie Wonder lost his hearing and bypassed legislation by infusing ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You‘ with the subliminal message of “Buy me” both on the single and through millions of flashes in the film The Woman In Red.  How I cry when I hear his sweet vocals reduced to employment on it.  I know there’s always been a strong element of sentimentality to his music but this was a low.  A real low.  However, there was worse.  Jim Diamond?  Close.  The immense embarrassment to Lionel Richie that is ‘Hello‘ although in fairness to him it’s the video that really condemns this one.  Out in front though and by some distance, is ‘Careless Whisper’.  How dire were Wham!?  Exceptionally and their trash would pave the way for the likes of Bros, Take That, Boyzone and Westlife to demonstrate dramatically worsening standards which we’re still now trying to survive.

POPTASTIC FACT: Both Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright have covered ‘Careless Whisper’, jeopardising their artistic legacies in the process.